More Reasons Parents Cave

Faulty Reasoning
This was my mistake when we were on our trip with my parents. I thought, "Two weeks of unhealthy eating isn't going to mess this kid up for life. Why bother my dad about this?" Perhaps you've come to a similar conclusion, but it was "What's the harm in five more minutes of video games?" or "One late night isn't a big deal." Except it is a big deal. If you bend the rules this time, you are only giving your kid more power next time -- power that you can be sure he will use against you with a comment like, "You let me stay up last night. Why can't I stay up later tonight?" These are some other types of faulty reasoning:

My child didn't do what I said, so I should ask again. And again. And again, more loudly. Rather than getting your child's attention, this encourages him to tune you out, says Cancellier. He thinks, "I know my mom isn't going to do anything about this until she asks me the sixth time and she's very angry." So he waits for the sixth ask.

I want my kid to cooperate, so I'll threaten the worst possible punishment I can think of and pray that he behaves so I don't have to actually punish him. If you don't follow through with this mega-consequence, however, your child will learn that you don't really mean what you say, and he's probably going to rebel even more, says family therapist Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting.

The Solution
Only ask your child once, stand next to him with a hand on his back and a smile on your face, and wait, suggests Cancellier. If he's giving you a hard time about a decision you've made, restate your position and shift his attention away from what he wants right now -- more TV time or potato chips -- to something he wants in the future. You might say, "You're not going to have more TV now, but if you go to bed without a fuss, you can have TV again tomorrow."

If you still have a battle on your hands, it's time for a consequence -- one that you can and will execute, even if it seems a bit wimpy. Maybe you take TV away for only three minutes. Next time you can take it way for ten. This is more effective than threatening, "I'll take it away for a month," and never doing it. "If you warn him that you'll take it away for three minutes and follow through, next time he'll think, 'I better listen because she's really going to do it,' " says Runkel.

Distraction
You're on the phone and your kid asks you for a cookie. You say, "Whatever, honey," and hand her the package so she can take one herself. You don't think about it again until later when you find the empty box and a bunch of crumbs on her bedroom floor. Been there?

Being distracted weakens our resolve and erodes our memories, causing us to forget the rules and consequences we're tying to be consistent about, says Runkel. This happens whenever we're trying to do two things at once, as well as when we're hungry, stressed, or sleep deprived.

The Solution
You need to be rested to be a consistent parent, so be just as strict about your own bedtime as you are about your child's. Also take a hard look at your schedule and your family's schedule, too, suggests Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It -- and Mean It. Consider cutting back on playgroups or extracurricular activities if they make you feel anxious and rushed. Remind yourself that not every e-mail or text needs to be answered today, the house doesn't have to be immaculate, and many of the items on your to-do list can wait until tomorrow or even until next week or month. For tasks that require your full concentration, try not to multitask. If you need to pay bills or use the computer when your children are around, plan to put your spouse in charge.

Guilt
We all have situations that tend to push our buttons and make us want to give in. Your child might say, "Dylan's mom doesn't force him to do it!" when you ask him to put away his toys, or "I hate you" after you impose an unpopular consequence. Whatever the trigger, it causes us to second-guess ourselves and wonder, "Am I being too hard on him?"

The Solution
Think about how fortunate your child really is. He is clothed, fed, loved, and sheltered. He might even have a room full of toys too. Then flip the guilt, suggests Runkel: Feel guilty about not being consistent rather than about standing firm. "You don't promise to give your kid a puppy for Christmas and then give him a stuffed animal instead. If you say you're going to do something and don't follow through, you're breaking a promise," he says. Remind yourself of all the gifts consistency gives your child: security, stability, dependability, and so much more. Then, rather than feeling guilty, you'll be able to enjoy the sound of his feet stomping up the stairs to straighten up his room because you'll know you are not the worst parent in the world. On the contrary, you just might be one of the best.